This is without a doubt the loneliest place I have lived. It really is true, all those cards that say “home is where the heart is” or “life is what you make of it” or “it’s not where you live but who lives near you.” Ok, maybe I made the last one up, but I know there was a Hallmark greeting about being happy because of the people in your life, not just because you live in a kewl flat in a foreign country that may or may not be exotic, depending on who’s deciding. And I can tell you, it’s true. Thank God I have wonderful friends and family in my life, even if I never get to see them. This provides solace at times, other times, tears.
This week I also discovered that sunshine can actually encourage loneliness. Despite being absolutely estatic about the warm weather decending upon Schaffhausen, it meant that I was able to spend a lot of time outside, alone. This occurred to me as I walked through town and faced many happy couples and families all eating icecream together and laughing and smiling at their togetherness. I tried to join in with my icecream cone on a bench, but really just felt like I was in a glass bowl looking out at a world in which I didn’t belong.
There are many types of loneliness. And generally it hits at different times in different waves. It’s always a let down after I have been surrounded by love, emotionally and physically (I really need hugs daily and I just don’t get them here), to return to a place where a void in this area of my life exists. It’s an adjustment persay. Week three alone here is more of a pining for friendship and love, not the loss and yearning I feel right after being surrounded by it, and of course, by ali. The true love.
There are things that helps these feelings subside. Yes, the fact that I do have love in my life, family and friends and a bright future ahead. But also, we cannot forget skype. Thank goodness for skype. I was able to speak with and see my nephew Logan this morning which was fan-tastic! These connections with my family and the long, phone date conversations with friends on the weekends do help the lonelies (those feelings of complete and utter aloneness; I call them lonelies) subside for a little while. But when you are walking near the Reine an hour before sunset and you don’t come across many on your path, because they are all having dinner with their loved ones and getting ready to go out for the night — after all, it’s a SATURDAY night — the lonelies set in again. Yes indeedy.
I read a lot. I write some — never enough — and I think way too much. And it will all change in about seven weeks. When I move to London. To be with ali. My fiance. My future husband. Life is amazing. And it keeps moving forward. With or without the lonelies.